A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to town and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding.
"How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mum, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a puncture but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
A pause.
"Gosh, Mum, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a penny!"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later, Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"
Little Johnny says, quite honestly, "No."
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again he answers, "No."
Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way spread-eagle! She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"
Little Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole damned bed to yourself."
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet, looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have taken 'golf' lessons instead."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to
the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud, where's my
'grand'?"
"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the damm porridge yet!!"
I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came through, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him,he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck......... why don't you f***
off."
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when
one said.
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to serve me?" she asked.
"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" screamed the angry wife.
"It's not my fault. I ran out of money," said Phil.
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a £100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a £50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a £10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
Police arrested 2 boys yesterday, 1 was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.